THE EXPENDABLE WIFE

By Abu Adeeba

INTRODUCTION

From the completeness and absolute all-encompassing ethos of the Islamic way of life is, amongst other things, the fulfilment of rights between the husband and the wife as established by the all-Wise Creator. The Muslim spouse understands that in order to live a wholesome, satisfying, tranquil, fully balanced and workable relationship these respective rights must be implemented. 

"And they (women) have rights (over their husbands) similar (to those of their husbands) over them..." (Qur'an 2:228) [1]

The Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) delivered an epoch-making final sermon to over 100,000 of his followers before the great setting of the Prophetic Seal, cessation of revelation, and his subsequent departure from this earth. During the sermon he reminded his people of the following: 

O People, it is true that you have certain rights over your women, but they also have rights over you. Remember that you have taken them as your wives only under Allaah's trust and with His permission. If they abide by your right then to them belongs the right to be fed and clothed in kindness. Treat your women well and be kind to them, for they are your partners and committed helpers. [2]

These rights have been given to safeguard the honour and dignity of women, a part of which is the right to physical and financial maintenance and protection. 

In this article, insha'Allaah (God-Willing), we will provide the perspicuous Islamic edicts to show the type of role-model Prophet Muhammad was (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him). In doing so, we will forward what the ideal character and correct behaviour and conduct of a husband should be like.

We will then compare this to an example set by Guru Nanak during his married life; based upon this examination, we will ask some very serious questions related to the inculcation of these questionable religious values and examples.

YEARS OF NEGLECT 

For Sikhs, Guru Nanak was Satguru - the true guru; the one who provides the truth; who was imbued with the alleged divine light of God. Hence, Nanak was, it is claimed, totally one with God; the embodiment of truth, where Satguru and God are apparently inseparable.

Be that as it may, the point is that Guru Nanak is the role-model for a Gursikh - a Sikh devoted to the Guru, who dispels the darkness of ignorance ('gu'), and proclaims enlightenment ('ru'). 

According to the biographies of Nanak, agreement exists amongst Sikhs that Guru Nanak during his life set out on long proselytising journeys (udhasis). According to Patwant Singh, these journeys were necessary in order for Nanak to "crystallize his own ideas and give sharper definition to the contours" of his self-developing religion: 

"A restlessness was building up in Nanak, an urge to discover the nature of the world he lived in, to meet and understand different people and their beliefs, to find out what they looked for in their faith. He knew he had to travel far to get the answers. Hard as it was to leave those whose love had sustained him, he had to go if his mission in life was to succeed." [3]

The hardship of separation from those who depended upon him and those whom he loved was of course not enough: 

"...And so in the summer of 1496 Nanak's travels began. The first phase took him eastward to Hardwar, Benares, Kamrup (Assam) and Jagannath (Orissa), and to southern India and Ceylon, and the second to Tibet, Kabul, Mecca and Baghdad, no small feat considering the times and distances involved. But the saintly Nanak had an iron will, and he knew what he wanted from his exchanges with the scholars, thinkers and mystics he met at each of these great centres of religious learning. The encounters helped crystallize his own ideas and give sharper definition to the contours of the faith he was developing." [4]

No small feet indeed, and the question we must ask is:  

How much time would have been expended to cover these distances? 

But, before we answer this important question, let us firstly understand the circumstances of his life, i.e. his marital status, before he decided to venture forth on this 'grande voyage'. 

Prior to this decision, it should be appreciated that Nanak was not a man with no responsibilities. On the contrary, he was married to Sulakhni and was the father of two sons - Srichand and Lakhmidas. Hence, his decision to set forth on these long journeys would have been at the expense of his duty as a father and husband. This would not be significant if the separation between a man and his family was only for a short duration of time, e.g. a few months, which would be completely understandable especially out of sheer necessity. However, it would be absolutely criminal if Nanak neglected his duties, including the rights of his wife and children over him, if this time period stretched over not months, but years. 

Guru Nanak on his first stint of travels spent twelve long years in the wilderness: 

"Guru Nanak returned home after a little more than twelve years because Mardana had started missing his family." [5]

Incredibly, it was not Nanak who missed his family, but his companion Mardana, which prompted Nanak to return.

A second journey was also carried out to bring in those greater number of converts: 

"On his journey towards the South, Guru Nanak was accompanied by Saido and Gheho. Mardana ultimately stayed behind with his family." [6] 

And a third: 

"The third time Guru Nanak left home, he trekked towards the North. Penetrating the Himalayas, he went up to Tibet. He was accompanied by Mardana." [7]

Neither did Nanak spare the Middle East. According to Prof. Devinder Singh Chahal, although "there is no record of definit dates of travels of Guru Nanak towards Middle East [sic]", he concludes:

"Guru Nanak was in the area of Middle East for at least 11 years." [8]

All in all: 

"Nanak's travels lasted twenty-eight years, until he finally settled down at a peaceful spot on the Ravi above Lahore for the remaining fifteen years." [9]

In other words, his family and especially his wife were without his physical and emotional assistance for, one would imagine, a large portion of those long and lonesome 28-years.

ISLAAM'S SOLUTION 

Allaah has given answers to all of the necessary aspects of living a truthful, content and God-conscious life: 

"And We have sent down to you the Book (the Qur'an) as an exposition of everything - a guidance, a mercy, and glad tidings for those who believe (as Muslims).
Truly, Allaah enjoins Al-'Adl (complete justice) and Al-Ihsaan (all righteous deeds), and giving (help) to kith and kin. And He has forbidden Al-Fahshaa' (all evil deeds), and Al-Munkar (all prohibited matters), and Al-Baghy (all kinds of oppression). He admonishes you, that you may take heed." (Qur'an 16:89-90)  

"(This is) a Book which We have revealed to you (O Muhammad) in order that you might lead mankind out of darkness into the light by their Lord's Permission to the path of the All-Mighty, the Owner of all praise." (Qur'an 14:1) 

Part of this completion is the plethora of rights afforded to women in Islaam. Hence, we ask the sincere reader to ponder over the completeness of this revelation and how it guards against, and closes the doors to, all actions that will lead to evil and corruption. 

Our Prophet Muhammad (may Allaah's blessings be upon him) said:  

"Only an honourable man treats women with honour and integrity. And only a mean, deceitful and dishonest man humiliates and insults women." (Ibn 'Asaakir) 

"O Allaah! I declare it a great sin to harm, do injustice, hurt or waste the rights of the two vulnerable persons, the orphan and the woman." (Sunan an-Nisaa'ee) 

"Be kind [with the COMMAND VERB: 'be kind'] to women." (Al-Bukhaari and Muslim) 

"The most perfect of the believers in faith are those who are the best in attitude, and the best of you are those who are best to their women." (At-Tirmidhee, 1/217; Ahmad, 2/250; al-Silsilah al-Saheehah, 284) 

Part of this behaviour encompasses how a Muslim husband is to behave towards his wife, to know what her rights are over him, and to fulfil them. 

The husband in Islaam has been given the responsibility of maintaining his family's sustenance and protecting them, as Allaah says in the Qur'an: 

"...And upon the father is the mother's sustenance and her clothing according to what is reasonable. No person shall have a burden on him greater than he can bear..."  (Qur'an 2:233) 

More over, another important aspect of Islaam is the recognition of satisfying in the permissible prescribed manner one of the most important physical needs of all human beings - the sexual appetite. 

The Messenger of Allah said:  

"There is no shyness in matters of religion." 

Sexual relations are among the important matters of life which Islaam came to explain and to prescribe proper conduct and rulings for; thereby elevating it from the level of mere bestial pleasures and physical desires. Islaam connects it to a righteous intention, supplications and proper conduct that raise it to the level of worship for which the Muslim will be rewarded, as the Sunnah of the Prophet has explained.  

Imaam Ibn al-Qayyim (d.751 AH) wrote: 

"Concerning sexual relations, the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) brought the most perfect guidance, whereby health may be preserved and people may find pleasure and enjoyment, and it may fulfil the purpose for which it was created, because sex was created for three basic purposes:
The preservation and propagation of the human race, until they reach the number of souls that Allaah has decreed should be created in this world.
Expulsion of the water (semen), which may cause harm to the body if it is retained.
Fulfilling physical desires and enjoying physical pleasure. This alone is the feature that will be present in Paradise, because there will be no producing of offspring there, and no retention which needs to be relieved by ejaculation." (Zaad al-Ma'aad) 

REWARD FOR PERMISSIBLE SEXUAL INTERCOURSE 

Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said:  

"In the sexual intercourse of anyone of you there is reward" (meaning, when he has intercourse with his wife)." They said: "O Messenger of Allaah! When any one of us fulfils his desire, will he have a reward for that?" He said: "Do you not see that if he were to do it in a forbidden manner, he would be punished for that? So if he does it in a permissible manner, he will be rewarded." (Muslim, 720) 

And equally importantly in Islaam is the wife's right to companionship from her husband and fulfilment of her sexual needs. 

WIFE MUST BE SEXUALLY SATISFIED 

The Prophet said: 

"The wife of 'Uthman ibn Madh'oon complained to the Messenger of Allaah that her husband had no need for women. During the days he would fast [10] and at night he would pray. The Prophet asked him: "Am I not the best example for you to follow?" He answered: "Certainly, may my father and mother be sacrificed for you." The Prophet then told him:  "As for you, you pray during the night and you fast during the day. Certainly, your wife has a right upon you and your body has a right upon you so pray and sleep and fast and break your fast." (Saheeh Ibn Hibban) 

In a long hadeeth reported by Salmaan Al-Farisi:  

"I went to visit my brother in faith, Abu-Darda. Upon arrival, I was greeted by his spouse who was wearing very casual house clothes. Seeing that, I asked her, 'What is the matter with you; why are you wearing such simple and casual clothes and not wearing other suitable clothes to please your husband?' She said: 'Your brother, Abu-Darda, has no interest, none whatsoever, with this world and its affairs. He spends his nights praying and spends the day fasting!' Upon the arrival of Abu-Darda, who welcomed Salman, and offered him some food, Salman said: 'Why do not you eat with me?' Abu-Darda said: 'I am fasting.' Salman said: 'I take an oath by Allaah that you must break your fast and eat with me.' Abu-Darda broke his fast and ate with Salman. Salman spent that night with Abu-Darda. The latter got up during the night to offer some night prayers. Salman stopped him from doing so saying: 'Your body has certain rights upon you; your Lord has certain rights upon you; and your family has certain rights upon you. Fast some days, and break the fast on others, approach your spouse and fulfil her instinctive needs. Grant every person his due right.' Just before the break of dawn, Salman permitted Abu-Darda to get up and offer prayers. Both of them got up, performed ablution and offered some prayers then they headed to the Masjid to offer Fajr prayer. Upon finishing the prayer with Allaah's Prophet. Abu-Darda reported to the Prophet what Salman had said and done to him. The Prophet of Allaah confirmed: "Salman said the truth." (Al-Bukhaari) 

The Prophet told 'Abdullaah ibn Amr ibnul-'Aas (who spent all day fasting and all night in prayer) to fast sometimes and not at other times; to pray at night and to sleep at night: "Your body has a right over you, your eyes have a right over you and your wife has a right over you." (Al-Bukhaari)  

TIME LIMIT OF FOUR MONTHS 

However, from Allaah's absolute Mercy and Wisdom, He prescribed a maximum time limit for a man neglecting this right without a legitimate legislative reason, and that is - 4 months. After this time the man is obliged to return to his wife and fulfil her rights; otherwise she can seek divorce or take him to court.
The proof for this legislation is the following verse in the Qur'an:  

"Those who take an oath not to have sexual relation with their wives must wait four months, then if they return (change their idea in this period), truly, Allaah is oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful. And if they decide upon divorce, then Allaah is All-Hearer, All-Knowledgeable." (Qur'an 2:226) 

In this verse, Allaah has protected the rights of women. Today we find men holding back from their women for long periods of time thereby placing her at risk of committing adultery. And since this is a sensitive subject many women do not bring this out into the open for fear of embarrassment. However, Allaah has established this right for the woman in no uncertain terms.
According to the scholars, the above verse indicates that the man is sinning by taking this type of evil oath and depriving his wife of her sexual rights, whether verbally or consciously, due to Allaah's saying: "Verily, Allaah is oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful".

Ibn Katheer (d.774 AH) in his commentary wrote: 

If the period exceeds four months, the woman must ask her husband for sex or divorce, otherwise the judge will urge him to do so in order not to harm her. 

Shaykhul-Islaam ibn Taymiyyah (d.728 AH) stated:  

The harm that comes about to the woman by the man avoiding sexual intercourse with her is such that the marriage may be dissolved under every circumstance, regardless if it was intentional from the husband or unintentional, or if he had the ability to perform sexual intercourse or not. [11]

MAXIMUM TIME AWAY FROM THE WIFE

From the balance of Islaam is also the fact that Allaah, out of his mercy, has prescribed a limit for the period of time a woman can bear to be away from her husband. This temporary separation, however, can only be undertaken for Islamically acceptable reasons; and al-hamdulillah (all praise be to Allaah) has not been set to last for years on end.
This ruling is based on 'Umar ibn al-Khattaab seeking guidance from his daughter Hafsah. He inquired:

"O my daughter, how long can a woman bear to be away from her husband?" She replied: "Subhaan Allaah (Glorified be Allaah above all imperfections)! Would one such as you ask one such as me about that?" He said: "Were it not that I want to make a decision concerning the Muslims I would not have asked you." She declared: "Five months or six months." [12]

Based on her proclamation, 'Umar - who was the leader of the Muslims at that time - set a time limit for campaigns to last for six months in which they would march for a month, stay for four months, leaving a month for the return journey. 

From this Shaykh Muhammad ibn Saalih al-'Uthaymeen said:

With regard to a man travelling and being away from his wife: if she is in a place of safety then there is nothing wrong with that; but, if she lets him stay away for more than six months, then likewise there is nothing wrong with that. However, if she asks for her rights and asks him to come back to her, then he should not stay away for more than six months. But if there is a reason such as a sick person who is being treated etc., then cases of necessity come under their own rulings. Whatever the case, it is the wife's right, and if she allows that and is in a safe place, there is no sin on him, even if the husband is away a great deal. [13]

CONCLUSION  

"Women are the twin halves of men." (Ibn 'Asaakir) 

It is boasted by many Sikhs that Sikhism does not encourage a monastic way of life; but rather a life of commitment towards siring children and living amicably with one's spouse.

We dispute this empty claim by asking: 

What is worse, the one engaged for years in carrying out a task at only the expense of his own well being, or the one engaged for years in a task at the expense of not only his own well being, but others who have a greater right over his time than the said task?  

Nanak's wife was a woman who would have had the same desires and needs as any other woman. 

Who would have tended to her sexual needs during those 12 years, let alone 28-years of combined travel? 

If Sikhism is against monasticism then who was Sulakhni turning to for companionship and intimacy? These are important questions since the behaviour of a man who wanders off for 12-years, having committed to a relationship with a woman, is a type of oppression that will place the woman at risk of committing illegal sexual actions.
How was she satisfying her personal needs? 
Was she engaging in what Islaam calls "the secret act" - self-masturbation, which incidentally is forbidden in Islaam? In this particular regard, we contend that Sikhism, like so many other important matters, is silent over its permissibility or impermissibility. 

We cannot imagine that the Sikhs will forward the unintelligible response that Sulakhni too was a Gursikhni who had elevated herself above the natural sexual needs and conquered this inherent carnal desire.
Even if this absurd explanation is forwarded, surely the same explanation cannot be given to explain away the isolation and loneliness she must have felt over the extended periods of absence of her other half.
Furthermore, and more significantly, these actions from the so-called paragon of virtue - Nanak - effectively gives an open licence for any of his adherents to pursue similar religious activities at the expense of their duties towards their family.
If Nanak being the beau ideal for all Sikhs to follow left his family to gallivant around the Indian subcontinent during his udhasis, it stands to reason, thus, that such a precedence will only serve to justify other Sikhs doing the same thing. 

"As a man, he was sensitive, kind-hearted, but never sentimental. He was fair and correct. Love of his parents, his sister, his wife, or his children did not prevent him from undertaking long travels, at times lasting several years." [14] 

How is it fair for the breadwinner to leave his family as a burden for others to look after?
It is not from love to leave your wife behind to presumably fending for herself and her children for years on end.

We ask the question: 

How would the children have felt seeing their role-model leave them for years on end? 

In the Islamic world view, the understanding is that Allaah will hold everyone accountable for what they had responsibility over.
Anas reported that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said:  

"Allaah will ask everyone who has been given responsibility about whatever he was responsible for, until He asks a man about his family." (Reported by Ibn Hibaan) 

Abu Hurayrah said: 

"I heard the Messenger of Allaah saying, 'By Allaah, if one of you were to get up in the morning and carry firewood on his back, and sell it and meet his own needs from the money and give some away in charity, this would be better for him than coming to a man and begging from him, and either being given something or not. The upper hand (the one which gives) is better than the lower hand (the one that takes), and start with those for whom you are responsible." (Muslim 3/96).
According to a report narrated by Ahmad (2/524), it was said: "For whom am I responsible, O Messenger of Allaah?" He said, "Your wife is one of those for whom you are responsible." 

Narrated by Jaabir ibn Samurah, the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said:  

"If Allaah gives something good to any one of you, let him start with himself and his family." (Muslim 1454) 

Subhan'Allaah (Glorified is Allaah above all imperfections)!
How far away is this conduct and teaching for 'truth living' from the example of Guru Nanak?
The Prophet warned that the responsibility of looking after the family should be given to no one but the husband. 

The Guru Granth Sahib states: 

"jaa ddithaa pooraa sathiguroo thaan andharahu man saadhhaariaa
When I see the Perfect True Guru, then deep within, my mind is comforted and consoled." (SGGS 310) 

How is it possible for a conscientious man to be comforted and consoled by the reality of choosing to forsake his family for over a decade, knowing there is no one back home to tend to the needs of his family in the manner of which only he as a husband and father could? 

It is patently obvious which example is better. 

Sa'd ibn Maalik reported that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to him:  

"Whatever you spend on your family, you will be rewarded for it, even the mouthful which you lift up and place in your wife's mouth." (Al-Bukhaari and Muslim) 

In order to lift that morsel of food to the wife's mouth, one must firstly be present in her company. 

Allaah says: 

"And truly you (O Muhammad) are upon an exalted character." (Qur'an 68:4)

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